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I know an IITian and IIMA-ian who ticks all the right boxes on feminism but goes home to being waited on hand and foot by mom, wife and two daughters, whom he will not allow to marry outside caste. I know a Brown Univ grad who demanded a Cartier watch as dowry on the eve of the wedding. That you actually have better, more enriching things to do. I avoid all those people on principle. I think single moms first have to learn to accept inadequacy.

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We function as more than two people, as the whole family sometimes, and we are not going to meet all the needs that entire ecosystem provides. Too many women are driving themselves and others nuts trying to do that. Ignore it entirely. Society is us. I am also society. I refuse to allow society to be bigger than me. People look at single mothers and feminists as home breakers. My family is not what you dictate it to be.

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My family is chosen, hand-picked and a deliberate influence on my child. As a single mother, you have very limited bandwidth for emotional drama. You need to get things done, work, home, chores, extras, your own life. Earning it and spending it. Children look at fathers who earn and see them as successes.

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Children look at mothers who earn and look at them as neglectful. Because, the primary role of the mother, especially to children-and we spend a lot of time discussing what working mothers look like to spouses and partners but not to children-is the child. As a gender , just as we expect men to start thinking about looking after themselves as a basic part of growing up, women need to look at earning for the basics as no big deal either.

When we do that, we will be able to teach our kids of both genders to achieve that fluidity as well. Also Read: Gayatri Jayaraman.

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